Royal Envy

I know the Royal Wedding is like, so last weekend, but I'm still reeling a little. Why? Because until 2 a.m. MST, Friday morning, I didn't know that princesses were real.

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I mean, I've been to Buckingham Palace, but it looked like a museum. I've seen footage of Diana and I think she was wonderful, but she wasn't really during my time and she didn't live happily ever after. Hence, I always put "princess" in the same make-believe category as the sparkly pumpkins and helpful woodland creatures who accompany her. When people asked me if I wanted to be a princess when I grew up, I assumed they were patronizing me like they were when they asked if a fairy took my front tooth. No a fairy did not take my tooth. It turned grey and my mom tied it to a doorknob, then she gave me a quarter for it while I was sleeping.

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So what in the heck is THIS?!

Or this?!

Or this, I ask you!

Let this last weekend be a lesson to little girls everywhere. You really could be a princess when you grow up, and you should decide now if you want to pursue that. Otherwise you'll fall in love with a handsome and charming but nonetheless common man, and you may find yourself with plenty of happiness in your life but absolutely no pageantry. I don't have any practical advice for you (and neither will your guidance counselor), but I assume your first step will be to move to England. You'll probably also need etiquette lessons from Julie Andrews.

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For the rest of you who are either already married or too old to wait for Kate and William's future son, here are some ways to incorporate some Princess into your life:

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- Give yourself an arbitrary title. Based on the town I grew up in, I wish to be called the Duchess of Carpentersville.

- When you see a cute guy walking behind you this summer, drop your flip-flop and wait for him to hand it to you. He may think you're a little gross for continuing to walk barefoot, but just explain that you couldn't slow down because your Jetta was about to turn into a summer squash.

- Wear a tiara to work.

- I hear Kate and William don't have any maids in their country home, so continue to not have any maids.

- Drink tea every day.

- Plan a dinner party and ask everyone to talk very softly and to be very boring.

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Now let me hear your Duchess titles!